Thursday, November 28, 2013

Separation Anxiety

I've been wondering when it would strike. I knew it was inevitable. I've been walking around with a goofy grin this whole time, feeling a bit emotionally distant from those around me that have already begun to express emotions of separation anxiety as we prepare for our trip. But you see, I'm really that girl at the airport that you pretend not to look as she sports the incredibly ugly cry, I mean snotty face, mouth full of saliva ugly cry as she clutches her loved ones and stellar luggage (see post below).  Of course this scene usually takes place at that awful security check point where you must separate from those not boarding the plane with you. Ugh, most of my airport memories of this particular area are in major slow-mo (yes, very traumatic times).

So this separation anxiety usually hits pretty conveniently for me (separation anxiety is perfect right before boarding a plane because the soon to be had fear of dying on the plane usually trumps and  takes care of it quite well.)

So anyway Matt and I leave next week for six months to Ecuador and today we were driving to Massachusetts for some last minute family time.  I'm doing my makeup in the visor mirror when I feel the reality of the situation hitting me.  Yes I'm leaving on this awesome adventure, but I'm also choosing a path that will strand me from my comfort zone, my unconditionally loved zone, my family. Tears came at so not a good time because, well my concealer, and secondly, this is way too soon.  Once these floodgates open I'm not sure if they will stop.  How in the world will I get through Black Friday shopping if I'm slipping on all of my tears?! 

Crisis somehow averted, I swallowed those tears back before they hit cheek.  But I was on high alert now.  I have entered the anxiety separation emotional zone a little sooner than expected. 

I am completely aware that this may sound dramatic.  Six months is not really that long. But well, sometimes it seems like a very long time especially when I contemplate the notion that I may have chosen a path that has a life of its own.  I have started this "relationship" with need greater work that, who knows, may capture my heart and leave me madly in love and situated indefinitely away from my family.

More than anything, what I feel is my heart bursting with love for them.  They have been so supportive of this dream and so unselfish.  I'm not sure if they will truly ever understand just how much their support has fueled my courage and confidence to leave them for a little while.  If I am happy, then they are happy for me. Period. So I guess that kind of love is worth ruining your makeup for.  

Separation anxiety, here I come.

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Ramblings about Luggage Mostly

We are in countdown mode now. Ecuador is 16 days away. And we have 247 things to still do! Typing that just made my hands shake a little. I remember this feeling when we were about to move out of wallkill bethel back in August. I would subconsciously count down the days while simultaneously computing the time it would take to accomplish all the "moving out" things needing to be done (and I wonder why I have panic attacks). Our room was in a constant mess of messy piles (this pile I'm keeping, this pile is stuff I never returned to people, this pile is makeup I don't use but can't throw away...) So many piles!

Ok where was I? Oh yes, ecuador. So yeah, we have a lot to do.

But I must say I have discovered something I love doing in all this ecuador! Ok  I know (and you know) I already love shopping.  But I mean I am really enjoying getting traveling stuff like....suitcases! Do you know there are all different types? Hard case, and fabric and 28 inch and 30 inch and "spinners"? We just bought two and they have found a home near our kitchen. I usually make a beeline when i get home for any baked goods or candy we have stashed on our island table.  And lately, while I stuff my face with a cake pop I'll just marvel at those suitcases, picturing myself in slow motion rolling those beauties past customs while clutching my neck pillow and passport in the other hand. I'll whip them off the conveyor belt in ecuador while my fellow travelers gape at how smoothly they spin and twirl while saying to myself, "you done good girl, you done real good." I also got quite a high from my money belt and luggage tag purchase too.

So shopping aside, we still need to finish packing our bags and packing up our apartment. On to more exciting things to read about (hopefully, I mean that last part got me excited...)

Soooo my family came to surprise me this past weekend! All day after our meeting on Saturday Matt was trying to get me off my iPad (um i was shopping for dreamy luggage for goodness sakes) but little did I know he was trying to get me half way decent for my family's arrival. He finally left to "take out the trash" and came back with my twin sister, her husband, my mom and step dad in tow! I think I jumped up and down for 3 minutes.  I'm smiling now just thinking about it.  Theres nothing like being truly surprised.  So yeah, this past weekend was a dream.  Everyone slept over in our little studio and we cooked bacon and pancakes and went to Cheeseburger in was just perfect.  And to make things even better, my mother, father and brother in law came on Sunday to join in the festivities!

Here are some pics from the weekend...

Mi familia! (And Ron and Jackie!) such good times.

Holding my gift from my sister, Cristina.  Thanks to her I will be sporting Madewell's awesome leather travel tote at the airport as my personal item. Yessss

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

The thoughts I have right before I fall asleep...

Some people close their eyes and drift off to a far away place as soon as they shut the lights to go to bed (like my husband) and others daydream about that day, what could've been, or said, or the anxieties of tomorrow.  I fall into the latter category and have to pray often about letting things go and leaving tomorrows anxieties with Jehovah.

As you all know, we are in the throws of planning a major trip to Ecuador.  We get asked all the time, "so you have a place?" "Where you gonna stay?" I cringe a little inside as I wait for the reactions I get when we reply "nope, we're gonna figure that all out when we get there..isn't that exciting?" The truth is, there are bubbles of "exciting" in a glass full of anxiety when doing things this way.  It's not panicky anxiety but a subtle under current that, if I'm not careful, can grab by the ankles and yank you from your oxygen source.  Thank goodness for a father like Jehovah.  This trip is truly teaching  me to rely on Him.  These are my current "top thoughts" that occupy me before I drift off to sleep:

1.)  can we REALLY find an apartment under $300?
2.) can we really find a FURNISHED apartment under $300?
3.) can I coexist with creepy things like spiders, big ones, and possibly disease carrying Mosquitos? (Those of you who have heard my story of how a jumping black spider almost single handedly (er, well eight leggedly) prevented me from making it to my special assembly day, will probably be wondering this same exact I right??)
4.) should we BUILD all our furniture, possibly from pallets like all those creative people on Pinterest do?
5.) do ecuadorians use pallets?
6.) what happens if we absolutely love it, love it so much that we want to stay and only come back once a year? Could I survive away from my family? Would they forgive me for leaving and missing important life moments (lots of thoughts, #6! Calm down!)
7.) what if I find out I'm accidentally pregnant RIGHT before our plane leaves, do we cancel the trip? Or travel the jungle with a cute baby bump while drinking coconut water straight from a coconut that I cracked open with my bare hands! Ok ok, just sort of.

But what if what if what if!!!

Matt is so so right for me.  He can see the racing thoughts behind my eyes before I even have time to say, "baby, are you worried about...?" He'll pull me close and say, "look how far we've got, Jehovah isn't going to abandon us now, c'mon what do you want to pray about?" Ahh. And I sigh it out. Pray it away and leave it with Jehovah. Who knows, maybe he's already smiling about that awesome coffee table we'll make from pallets we found for free.